Deck the decks with fake green plastic
2002-12-13

I'm a bit melancholy today. I have no idea why. The only real negative about yesterday was another rejection letter in the mail and I should be use to them now right?

My ride to and from work gives me lots of time to think about stuff. For some reason this morning the topic was the little Christmas tree that I had when I lived on the boat. It is currently missing in action.

It was during the dark times. I had been to court for my divorce, all the papers were signed and I was still living at home, broke while we tried to sell the stupid house. I just could not see spending the holidays in such a depressing place. I began making plans.

I arranged to have an electrical system and phone line put in the boat, bought a couple of heaters, some pots and pans, plates silverware. I used my lunch money to buy towels and didn't go out so I could get a carpet to cover the cold floors. The only things I took from home were my clothes and the big old cast iron pot that was my grandmothers. For some reason I couldn't leave that behind.

It was a cold November morning when I left a note and moved in. The peacefulness of being the only person for oh maybe half a mile and the calmness that the water always brought to me did me some good.... most of the time. It was a major mistake to go to see Titanic on a Monday when all the local spots were closed and I had to spend the rest of the night alone. You learn from your mistakes though.

On the nights it snowed the quiet was just so intense that you could hear the flakes landing in the water with a muffled hiss. Many nights I'd sit out by the fuel pumps and just look at the stars and wonder what the future would bring. It always made me feel so insignificant on those nights when the stars numbered in the millions and I was alone. A mere speck on a mere speck, could anything be smaller?

Some nights you just wanted somebody to talk to and ther just wouldn't be ANYBODY around. so you embraced the quiet and tried to keep your sanity. I found ways to cope. You do what you have to do.

Well Christmas was coming and it didn't seem right not to have a tree. I didn't have that much room and basicly no money. My main cabin was more the size of a small hallway so space was also an issue.

I found a little Charlie Brown tree that fit exactly one strand of lights. It was only $3.99 too, Yippee. I bought some sailing ornaments too. Those I paid dearly for and selected with care. It only took a few to make the tree look way too full, and they were some of my prized possessions. I loved that tree. It was more than a symbol of Christmas, it was a symbol of my survival, of moving on, showing that I could not, would not be defeated.

The tree sat on top of my cooler cover and every time I wanted to get smething out of the cooler i had to move it. I didn't mind. I lit it every night and sometimes just sat below with just the tree on. It just felt right.

My non-sailing friends were seriously worried that I wouldn't survive that winter. They thought I'd drown or freeze or maybe just shrink away. Thats why they all came over when I invited them to my mini Christmas bash. When they were all settled in and saw my tree (and the fact that it was 72 inside the boat not 22) I think everybody felt better. I had to send out an email every morning to let them know I survived the night. I guess that is way it became so easy to wright this blog... Old habits die hard.

Well the season passed, I was sick for New Years and the tree eventually got put away. I bought the house back and the ex moved to a trailer. It seemed fitting. Along the way somebody I trusted but shouldn't have, stole the ornaments I had picked out with such care. Now I have a big beautiful tree that represents the potential of the future and my little one was shuffled aside. I think I'll look for it tonight. It's right to remember.

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