Ode to a dying friend
2002-09-25

It is beautiful out today, cool, but not cold, sunny, breeze enough to sail, but not too much to work hard. Wish I were there, not here.

Lunch was functional, a french toast bagel and a meduim iced coffee. I wasn't really hungry, but that wasn't the point. When I'm stressed I eat. It is as much a part of my life as gravity. I guess I associate food with comfort and family and home. All the stuff from a simpler life.

Who knows why our systems react this way. I guess I don't really care. No, thats not true, it does bug me, but when the chips are down in life, the dip goes right along for the ride.

I guess it is very similar to the people who are on the other side of the spectrum. Katie the daughter of my friend Charlie and my who is also my friend doesn't have much longer until she is perfect in her mind. Unfortunately none of us will be able to enjoy this perfection with her because she'll be gone. Right now her body is retaining fluid. It makes her look better but is a bad sign, there is just nothing more for her poor body to give. She of course resents looking better so she tries even harder to fight the "weight" that is ruining her existance.

I'm one of the few people who can make her laugh. I'm also one of the few who take the effort to try. Most people avoid her. With her skeleton looks and multiple piercings and tatoos, she drives most people away. Thats the point I guess. If you can't get close you can't hurt them. I try and jump over her fence. A smile from a face that doesn't show many is a powerful reward for a few minutes of time. I always have the time.

From my personal experience people who stress eat are mostly pretty ordinary kind of folk. There is nothing very special about us and people tend to not bother us while we sooth our inner child.

The people with serious eating disorders I've met on the on the other hand are all very different. They've been female, brilliant, talented and beautiful. Katie fits that to a tee as does Megan I think, the most talented writer I've ever read. They all have special abilites, were at the top of their classes are artistic and for some reason hate themselves to the point where they wish they could disappear. So they try.

The saddest thing is that when they finally suceed, the surviving wreckage of family and friends are left trying to figure out a puzzle with no solution. They'll wonder where they went wrong and what could have been done to fix things. Well the seed of this compulsion was planted a long time ago and it has rooted well. The more others try and stamp it out, the more resistant it gets. How can you fight something that doesn't fight fair? You can't, all you can do is give support, be a friend, ignore what you can't change and hope... and yeah I guess pray. They are the only ones who have the power to change the story line. I still hope for happy endings. Sometimes they still happen. Sigh...

Anybody got a donut?

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