Tears, tears and still yet more tears
2002-06-14

I'm warning anyone who reads this in advance, this is a very depressing entry, so you might just want to skip it and come back another time.

Its funny how things can trigger your mind and bring you back to places you'd really rather not be. I was having a decent day yesterday, I was home from work folding clothes and puppy, who was on the bed licked me on the nose like he has done a million times before. This time was different, I immediately thought of Clyde. I don't knwo why, I hadn't thought of him in years, which is probably a good thing...

He was my best friend in the world and just the cutest little thing. I got him at the pound, but it turned up he was a pure bred yellow lab. He was so skiiny when I took him home and after I wormed him he didn't eat for three days. He was so thin you could almost see though him and I was sure he was going to die, but he didn't. He was smart and friendly and lovable. We went everywhere together. He never was a big eater but he had one quirk. He would absolutely go nuts for anything red, tomatoes, apples...

One day I was talking to the neighbor next door and watched him go into her garden and pick a nice red tomato, bring it over and eat it right in front of her. I was so embarrassed, but you could never get mad at him. He'd look at you with his big brown eyes and you just had to forgive him, no matter what.

He was pretty street smart, but one day he got hit by a car, not seriously, but it was enough to scare us. So we moved to the country where it would be safer. Built a house that took way too long build and ended up living in my tent trailer after we had to move out of the old house. He kept my feet warm during the cold nights and frosty mornings. Good doggie.

One afternon I walked down our private road to get the paper and the mail. He followed me as he always did. We were pals. While I was looking at the paper he chased rabbits across the main road. I called for him to come back. It took a while. When he reached the street he saw me getting ready to go back to the house. Like I said before he was pretty street smart, but I guess the urge to be with his buddy was stronger than his need for self preservation. He never saw the speeding car. The impact threw him all the way across the street. He was still alive but hurt badly. I ran as fast as I could to get the car. All the time I prayed for him to be all right. I called the vet and tole him to be ready. I brought a blanket. Even though he was hurt bad, he never tried to bite me as I put him in the blanket and put him in the back seat. He just looked at me, almost pleading for help. The vet was a 15 minute ride away. I drove like a mad man When we were almost there, he raised his head, licked my hand and stopped breathing. I ran into the vets office and they came right out. The nurse said he was dead, but the vet detected a faint heartbeat. I told him I don't care what it costs do what ever you can. I would have mortgaged my house again to sae him if Ihad too. But it was too serious. Ther was nothing they could do. I was a mess, I cried and cried until there were just no more tears possible. Hell the thought of all this has be crying now. If that makes me a wuss so be it.

The vet said he was sorry and did I want to bring him home. I couldn't face the thought uf burrying him. I couldn't do it so they arranged to have him creamated. They never sent me a bill, Dr Bob just said when you get you new puppy, just being him here. And I did. I took home his empty collar and my empty heart. It is a hole that never really filled. I've been over this a million times. The things I could have done differently to have prevented it. He trusted me to take care of him and I failed. If there is a doggie heaven I hope he forgives me. I never forgave myself.

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