Every breath you take.
2002-02-27

Happy Wednesday,

Well maybe for you. It is warm but really dark and gloomy looking outside and the forecast is for rain, ice and snow later. Great....

My nose is in full revolt. It cycles between starving me of oxygen and trying to drain all my bodily fluids out in alternating sessions. I ended up sleeping in a kind of sitting up position most of the night. It was the only way I could get air in.

One of my biggest fears in life is not being able to breath. It really does scare me. As you know by now, my youngest brother drowned and the last time I was in Montana was for the funeral of my ex father in law. He had problems breathing too. He and his wife were cool people. I still keep in touch with Donna, but not as much as I should. Jim had been coughing and had a hoarseness to his voice for about a year. I ragged on him to go to the doctor. He finaly agreed after Sahm, his daughters wedding. The wedding was cool, I fit in real well in small town America. Jim wanted me to run his farm. I had a few other offers while there too. My kind of folks, down home, honest, but too far from the ocean.

Anyway, all the women left to drive this other lady to the airport and Jim and I spent the night over pizza and beer. He was worried about what they would find at the doctors and how long he waited. That night neither one of us slept much. He coughed all night long. That has to take it's toll. He finally went to the doctors and found he had lung cancer, and as he suspected, that he had waited too long.

They did the chemo and radiation thing any way. He improved for a while, but it was too far gone. He was on oxygen all the time, but it didn't seem to help all that much. A few months later he just stopped. I got to fly back out to dress in my best suit and help carry his casket. Makes me wish I had gotten on a plane and dragged his ass into the doctor when this first started. I seriously considered it, but the ex talked me out of it. He would have listened to me if I was there. It might have changed things.

People don't realize the debris they leave behind when they die. Donna was left to raise her 2 grandkids by herself, (her son accidently shot his self and his wife flipped out and tried to kill the kids), and to run the farm. Tough lady, but that is way too much of a load to put on anybody. Thier other son got drunk and crashed his motorcycle and is now brain damaged. Tough situation... Sahm was the only one who came out OK. She got married and works for a vet.

I need to go back there someday. I know they will be happy to see me even though I'm divorced from that side of the family. Funny, but I was closer to them than the ex was. I know good people when I see them.

Well I had a decaf and had some Chex breakfast mix in a pouch, took my daily vitamins and feel fair. Tired, stuffy, but my throat is better. I've been sneezing like crazy. Is that good? If this doesn't settle in my chest, life will be good. Keep your fingers crossed.

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