fire and ice
2002-02-26

I rode with the sunroof open, there isn't a cloud in the perfectly blue sky. There is enough wind to be flying across the bay at at least six knots. Sigh, I wish I were there.

I had Chicken Gumbo soup. It was hot and helped some. My throat feels almost normal and my stomach has settled down some. I just found out there is a meeting at 4:00. I ususlly leave at 3:30. Not today, Bastards...

A new person signed my guest book Notinmyname. More Monica connections or just random happenstance? P>

I don't know why I like to thank people who sign. The way I was brought up I guess. I'm definately more like my mom than my dad I think. We take on the emotional weights of the world. It's funny, but it seems people with problems can spot me a mile away. I've heard more life stories, more tales of woe than most I guess. Maybe I'm a good listener? Do I have the kind of face that makes people trust me? Do they sense I won't hurt them? Or is it just a cruel coincidence?

Nobody ever asks my story, they just want to unload. Me the human landfill. You dump it, I haul it away. For a while it was scary it was happening so much I backed away from life for a while, just to regroup I guess. I'm better now, stronger. I don't have the problems to deal with that I did when she was here. Then I was suffering for two. Now life is brighter, the veneer is nice and shiny, with only a few small cracks showing. The problem with veneer is you never know how strong the supporting structure is. Will it take one more good whack or will the whole thing fold up like a house of cards?

My guess is I can take a blow or two more. Like iron that has been through a fire it steels you. Too much fire will ruin it though, it is a fine line. I've always figured I'm a survivor, sentenced to witness the pain of others while I plod along a path I didn't chose. At least I can enjoy the flowers along the way. And so I will.

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