M & Alexandria
2002-02-13

Kind of a slow day. I got a lot done early, but the afternoon is very much becoming a waste. I've been reading M's first diary from her younger, Florida days. You just want to give her a huge a hug. I think she and I both tried to get to the same place, but by completly different routes.

Despite all the stuff she has done and the people she has known, I think she is basicly shy on the inside. Shy people either fade into the background or over compensate in the hopes people will like them. I was mostly a fader. I never was able to get over the awkwardness when around somebody I really liked. So I'd either do something goofy, or clam up. M had an advantage, she was beautiful and female,so she had the opportunity to bust out, but she got hurt lots more. I had less opportuiny but the hurts were magnified, so I guess it sort of evens out.

The major regret relationship wise in my life was Alex. She was blonde and sweet and desperate for attention. She had a three legged dog and both her parents were shrinks. All that instant psychoanalysis has to mess you up.

We hit off right away. We saw each other for maybe several weeks. She would have been my first had the local cops not paid us an untimely visit while parking one night. She was a good person, smart funny, a great kisser. She laughed at my jokes and she really liked me. I liked her too quirks and all. she sort of had a reputation I guess, but I didn't care. I was in love for the second time in my life and for the first time I got love back.

One day I heard a bunch of my friends talking about her, making fun of her. They didn't know I was there. It was pretty awful. I knew about a lot of the stuff they were saying. It just never mattered before then. Now I'd have told them to screw, but then, well then I wasn't very strong i guess. It bothered me a lot. These people were my oldest friends. What a mess. I thought about it for a few weeks but I couldn't shake that conversation. I broke it off. She begged me not to, but I couldn't find the strength I guess. Man, it broke both our hearts. I still feel bad about it to this day. I heard she eventually got married and moved south. I also heard they had a couple of kids and the guy she married turned into a jerk and they divorced. It isn't easy being married to somebody special I guess. One day a few years we broke up, while stoned and down I drove by her old house and felt so bad still that I wrote her a letter appologizing. I dropped it off at her parents house. I hope she got that letter. I wrote about what a jerk I had been. Told her that it was never her fault, just mine, and that I really didn't deserve her. It was true. I didn't ask for forgiveness, I just wanted her to understand. I hope her life is good now. I still drive by her old house. Her parents are divorced now. A huge old mansion with only one shrink sign in front. The dog is probably gone now too. Life goes on.

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