Rambling gambling man
2002-01-25

Hmm, I just geve Robin, the friend from Washington the address for this diary and she is going to read some of it later. The entry on her is in Snowy Blues. I hope she doesn't get mad. She is one of my best friends, probably always will be. I know she'd be there for me if I needed her and she knows the reverse is true. When I hit the Powerball, I'm going to give her some money so she can quit working so hard. She deserves it. M.E, is obviously tops in my life but Robin is in that very small pack of people that have a home right behind. People you would trust with your life, your spirit.

I'm still pretty down thinking about Tom. I guess he was lucky that he was with somebody he loved, that he got his big adventure in the new boat before he died and that it was quick. Most of that is cancelled out by the being dead part. I mean how lucky can you be if you aren't here any more.

I sure hope there is a God and that things just don't stop at death. Unfortunately, we won't find out until it is too late to do anything about it. As you know, my dad died at 49. That is a pretty big cloud to live under. Why is it that after somebody dies, within a few weeks people treat the surviving family like plague victoms? Is it because they don't know what to say? Is it because they think the family needs space? Being alone gives you way to much time to think. we need to invite Diana over early and often.

When my brother died, I was dating a really nice girl. Kathy... I liked her a lot, and we fit OK. I called her house the night after it happened. I just needed to be someplace that wasn't my parents house. Her mom kept answering the phone. Said she was out. I finally drove there and her car was in the driveway. I later found out that she didn't know how to deal with death. So she broke up with me, through her mom, on the day of my brothers wake. I have never drank so much tequilla. I lived alone and it sure worked better than sleeping pills. One day I woke up all hung over and found my rifle in the middle of the floor. Would I have really considered offing myself? Never took a second chance of finding out. As soon as I barfed, I threw the bolt for the rifle in the river. I went to the cemetary a while back and it has grown so much I couldn't find Donnies grave. Is that sad or what. I hope Kathy has a good life. I really really mean that.

Sorry for being so depressing today, but I guess it can't be helped.

Later

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