Early life and boat shows
2002-01-10

Good Morning,

Well I knew I was going to end up with a shit box rental car and sure enough.... 1986 Ford Escort with a cracked windshield, drivers window that whistles and a front end that shakes over 65. Oh yeah the radio has no antenna and the speedo only goes to 80. Hell that is my usual speed on the way in. Well not today... But I am here alive so...

So I was thinking last night why the hell am I writing this thing. I mean part of it was suppose to be kind of a record of buying the new boat, but I think the real reason is deeper than that. I'm pretty happy now, happier than I have been in a while, but maybe the urge to pick at the scabs is too tough to resist. And the scabs and scars are still there. I hide them well now, but from the inside they glow like neon.

I guess I am who I am because of my childhood. I've known death at a young age and those are some of the scars. My brother drowned in grade school. I watched them pull him out of the murky water. I'm glad I sent the rest of the family home. They didn't need to see that, but I had to be sure. Damn Engineer mind. I was the oldest of six kids and my dad worked and worked and eventually died of cancer at 49. Is that my fate? He never had time to teach me to throw a ball, or catch a football, hell for all I know, maybe he didn't know how. So I tried to figure it all out on my own and definately was a late bloomer. The friends I deveolped then I kept for life. I still have best friends from the first grade, and I'd still do anything I could for them.

Girls were always a mystery for me. The ones I wanted I could never have and the ones I hated I could never get rid of. Maybe it was because when I really liked one, I'd get all nervous and freeze up. Probably why I've become a major flirt in life now. I've always had really pretty girls interested, but until recently, always ended up with people who were damaged in some way, emotionally/physically. I guess it is this stupid need to fix things, or maybe the lack of self confidence(was I not good enough?)that got me where I was. Ex had both physical and emotional problems... Child abuse and scars from sailing through a windshield while stoned. I was hurting, alone, she was hostile and a drunk. Fixing her became my project. I failed, but I did keep her alive longer than she would have been so that is some consolation I guess.

Well back to the present. Tonight is the Providence boat show and M.E. and I are going even though it is the cheesyest show in the world. We go to drink beer, make fun of the guys in gold chains and open shirts and to meet friends. January is hell for the boating community and this gives us a chance to see familliar faces, bust each others chops, and see who can buy the least beer. Hmmm, dinner out first seems to be a good option.

Anyway, enough for today. Hope you have a super day!

me

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